wanted to see you
and talk
because we haven't for a while
and i looked forward to it so much
i treasure you a lot
so i thought maybe i could ask you things i'm afraid to ask others
tell you secrets
hope you could keep them
i guess not
you never wanted to hang out
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Friday, November 29, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Why do I even Try
I'm no Good
Ha. So why do I feel so numb.
Why did this come as a real shock.
I've never been good.
When did I start to tell myself I am.
I'm not even decent.
What do I do with myself now.
I don't even want to cry.
That's neither proper nor fitting
I don't deserve to shed tears for myself
Fucking mistaken lied to myself disillusioned myself shit what do I do with my life why am I such a fucking big dumbass when did this happen
I just
I'm no Good
Ha. So why do I feel so numb.
Why did this come as a real shock.
I've never been good.
When did I start to tell myself I am.
I'm not even decent.
What do I do with myself now.
I don't even want to cry.
That's neither proper nor fitting
I don't deserve to shed tears for myself
Fucking mistaken lied to myself disillusioned myself shit what do I do with my life why am I such a fucking big dumbass when did this happen
I just
Friday, October 11, 2013
follow your dreams they say
what are your dreams
i never hear
to pursue your dreams you must follow this list
here are rulebreakers who pursued their dreams without lists they said
there is no more room for success
too many people have accomplished everything that is new under the sun
where is there room for me
i don't want to leave this house
but i hate to be inside with everyone else
can i have my own
what are your dreams
i never hear
to pursue your dreams you must follow this list
here are rulebreakers who pursued their dreams without lists they said
there is no more room for success
too many people have accomplished everything that is new under the sun
where is there room for me
i don't want to leave this house
but i hate to be inside with everyone else
can i have my own
I just like being alone.
Being at school is fun.
Learning is fun.
Ha.
And today was going to be a totally alone day
But it wasn't because She stayed home and didn't go get her hair done
So all day was "why aren't you"
and "do you like to hear this"
yes, i love hearing you ask these things
I just need silence
I need quiet
Being at school is fun.
Learning is fun.
Ha.
And today was going to be a totally alone day
But it wasn't because She stayed home and didn't go get her hair done
So all day was "why aren't you"
and "do you like to hear this"
yes, i love hearing you ask these things
I just need silence
I need quiet
Monday, September 30, 2013
one of these days
i'm going to end up in a padded room
mute and shredding away at myself
please come visit me then
not so that i'll get better soon or anything
but just
you know
as friends
mute and shredding away at myself
please come visit me then
not so that i'll get better soon or anything
but just
you know
as friends
Friday, September 27, 2013
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Sunday, September 22, 2013
paul valery
The wind is rising! . . . We must try to live!
The huge air opens and shuts my book: the wave
Dares to explode out of the rocks in reeking
Spray. Fly away, my sun-bewildered pages!
Break, waves! Break up with your rejoicing surges
This quiet roof where sails like doves were pecking.
The huge air opens and shuts my book: the wave
Dares to explode out of the rocks in reeking
Spray. Fly away, my sun-bewildered pages!
Break, waves! Break up with your rejoicing surges
This quiet roof where sails like doves were pecking.
let's pretend i swore
i don't mean to complain, but
i guess that's what i need to do
i am a hive without a queen
aren't i supposed to be my own queen
how does any colony bring in its own queen
i don't think this is supposed to take so much though
sooner or later i'm going to end up somewhere i don't want to be with my mind far away
or maybe too close and too loud for me to function in a space beyond that of my own mind
my own reality
i hear it's different from what's outside it
what makes you different from me
daisy please don't eat that
susie i hate you
don't be sad
i'm not sad
crying leaves everything messier
why are you a wreck
how could you spend time on others when you need time yourself
you could knock the cobwebs off others why can't you handle yourself
that isn't a mirror
this isn't it
but it really is
let's say you're quasimodo and all your life you've been cuffed for being ugly and not being able to hear and you were abandoned at birth, switched for a pretty little girl who will one day save the life of a pathetic worm of a man. one day you are stood up on a wooden pedestal and paraded around the streets with a flower garland on your head, crowds of men following you and cheering your face. you are the King of Fools.
I am the King of Fools.
except i am the only fool
so you thought this was a good thing. you don't know what's happening. you just know people are looking at you and not throwing sharp things at you, be it stones or words. it feels good for once.
what if they burned that wooden pedestal and ridiculed you for standing on it how would you feel what would you have left what a true Fool you are, the only fool for thinking there was anybody for you to lord over
but Quasimodo saved a girl's life
the tulip bulb caused seven orphans to become billionaires overnight.
it made ordinary men rich. it toppled merchants into debt. it sucked an artist into lifelong debt.
today i
wondered
and i set up for myself the wooden pedestal, the garland, the scepter and wand, the cloak
it caught on fire, how i know not
since this is only for me is this real
am i burning or not has the fire even started
since this is only for me i have power
over the sequence of events
but they have already happened
maybe if i rewind no demise will happen
far back in the past enough and nothing more will come
i wish to strip him of his clothes and he wishes to strip me of mine
susie is with me but i do not know her i can't get her to leave can't leave her behind
my workers are slowly dying all that may remain is a hive without humming
a throb of dying bodies of thought within me but thought can never die i think too much for that
so what is dying
what was my queen
what have i lost
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
dat cactus
Our aloe is so old that it's growing flowers.
It's sorta freaky.
Looks not pretty at all.
Why does a cactus bloom.
This aloe has always propagated baby aloes from the base.
I took a nap
I think I'll still sleep early.
It's sorta freaky.
Looks not pretty at all.
Why does a cactus bloom.
This aloe has always propagated baby aloes from the base.
I took a nap
I think I'll still sleep early.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
acid aside
Mom, I killed a girl.
I see her in the mirror sometimes.
Lurking behind me, glimmering in the deepest surfaces.
And I'm terrified because I don't know how she died.
But I know I killed her.
The blood I took from her.
I don't want it.
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