i just

wanted to see you
and talk
because we haven't for a while

and i looked forward to it so much



i treasure you a lot

so i thought maybe i could ask you things i'm afraid to ask others
tell you secrets
hope you could keep them



i guess not

you never wanted to hang out

i can feel your gaze cutting me to pieces

filtering through my cracks and splintering every shard apart

can you forgive me for not wanting to approach you

is my desire to stay away
acceptable
yet?

what is my best















are you not entertained







are you not pleased



i'm falling apart for this
canyoupleaseshowinterest

at least i'm not starving with cancer and fleas and gangrene and major worm infestations drinking sewer water in india

i have weak eyes



and rutted habits

am i really that bad



am i really so










why do i even try

Why do I even Try
I'm no Good



Ha. So why do I feel so numb.
Why did this come as a real shock.
I've never been good.


When did I start to tell myself I am.
I'm not even decent.







What do I do with myself now.





I don't even want to cry.


That's neither proper nor fitting



I don't deserve to shed tears for myself






Fucking mistaken lied to myself disillusioned myself shit what do I do with my life why am I such a fucking big dumbass when did this happen



I just

follow your dreams they say



what are your dreams
i never hear






to pursue your dreams you must follow this list





here are rulebreakers who pursued their dreams without lists they said






there is no more room for success

too many people have accomplished everything that is new under the sun







where is there room for me


i don't want to leave this house


but i hate to be inside with everyone else

can i have my own

I just like being alone.


Being at school is fun.
Learning is fun.
Ha.


And today was going to be a totally alone day


But it wasn't because She stayed home and didn't go get her hair done



So all day was "why aren't you"


and "do you like to hear this"



yes, i love hearing you ask these things










I just need silence






I need quiet

one of these days

i'm going to end up in a padded room

mute and shredding away at myself



please come visit me then

not so that i'll get better soon or anything
but just

you know




as friends

내 맘은 이리 울적한데 말할 사람이 없다

나의 마음을 들어줄 사람이 없고내 마음이 중요한 게 아니라고 난 매일 배운다하지만 왜 아는 걸 배워도 께달을 때마다 그 깨닫는 행동이 힘들어지지

나도 가끔 활짝 웃고 싶은데 곁엔 아무도 없다

다들 자기 혼자 희희닥 거리느라


나한테 미소조차 안 보이넨

motherfucking goddamn last person i'd expect to talk behind my back

stop pretending you know everything when you don't know anything



did i not just say i don't want to talk to you, talk about it




what the fuck did i just say


may the devil take your soul








wait.
at this rate, he'll probably take mine.

well shit

paul valery

The wind is rising! . . . We must try to live!
The huge air opens and shuts my book: the wave
Dares to explode out of the rocks in reeking
Spray. Fly away, my sun-bewildered pages!
Break, waves! Break up with your rejoicing surges
This quiet roof where sails like doves were pecking.

let's pretend i swore

i don't mean to complain, but

i guess that's what i need to do

i am a hive without a queen

aren't i supposed to be my own queen

how does any colony bring in its own queen

i don't think this is supposed to take so much though

sooner or later i'm going to end up somewhere i don't want to be with my mind far away

or maybe too close and too loud for me to function in a space beyond that of my own mind

my own reality

i hear it's different from what's outside it

what makes you different from me

daisy please don't eat that

susie i hate you

don't be sad

i'm not sad

crying leaves everything messier

why are you a wreck

how could you spend time on others when you need time yourself

you could knock the cobwebs off others why can't you handle yourself

that isn't a mirror

this isn't it

but it really is

let's say you're quasimodo and all your life you've been cuffed for being ugly and not being able to hear and you were abandoned at birth, switched for a pretty little girl who will one day save the life of a pathetic worm of a man. one day you are stood up on a wooden pedestal and paraded around the streets with a flower garland on your head, crowds of men following you and cheering your face. you are the King of Fools. 

I am the King of Fools.

except i am the only fool

so you thought this was a good thing. you don't know what's happening. you just know people are looking at you and not throwing sharp things at you, be it stones or words. it feels good for once.

what if they burned that wooden pedestal and ridiculed you for standing on it how would you feel what would you have left what a true Fool you are, the only fool for thinking there was anybody for you to lord over

but Quasimodo saved a girl's life

the tulip bulb caused seven orphans to become billionaires overnight.

it made ordinary men rich. it toppled merchants into debt. it sucked an artist into lifelong debt.

today i

wondered 

and i set up for myself the wooden pedestal, the garland, the scepter and wand, the cloak

it caught on fire, how i know not

since this is only for me is this real

am i burning or not has the fire even started

since this is only for me i have power

over the sequence of events

but they have already happened

maybe if i rewind no demise will happen

far back in the past enough and nothing more will come

i wish to strip him of his clothes and he wishes to strip me of mine

susie is with me but i do not know her i can't get her to leave can't leave her behind

my workers are slowly dying all that may remain is a hive without humming

a throb of dying bodies of thought within me but thought can never die i think too much for that

so what is dying

what was my queen

what have i lost

you're so condescending

my queen is dead

ability is dead

dat cactus

Our aloe is so old that it's growing flowers.

It's sorta freaky.
Looks not pretty at all.



Why does a cactus bloom.

This aloe has always propagated baby aloes from the base.

I took a nap

I think I'll still sleep early.

acid aside

Mom, I killed a girl.



I see her in the mirror sometimes.
Lurking behind me, glimmering in the deepest surfaces.
And I'm terrified because I don't know how she died.


But I know I killed her.








The blood I took from her.
I don't want it.