Sunday, September 22, 2013

let's pretend i swore

i don't mean to complain, but




i guess that's what i need to do



i am a hive without a queen
aren't i supposed to be my own queen
how does any colony bring in its own queen






i don't think this is supposed to take so much though




sooner or later i'm going to end up somewhere i don't want to be with my mind far away
or maybe too close and too loud for me to function in a space beyond that of my own mind


my own reality
i hear it's different from what's outside it



what makes you different from me

daisy please don't eat that



susie i hate you

don't be sad

i'm not sad

crying leaves everything messier


why are you a wreck

how could you spend time on others when you need time yourself

you could knock the cobwebs off others why can't you handle yourself



that isn't a mirror

this isn't it

but it really is


let's say you're quasimodo and all your life you've been cuffed for being ugly and not being able to hear and you were abandoned at birth, switched for a pretty little girl who will one day save the life of a pathetic worm of a man. one day you are stood up on a wooden pedestal and paraded around the streets with a flower garland on your head, crowds of men following you and cheering your face. you are the King of Fools. 


I am the King of Fools.
except i am the only fool



so you thought this was a good thing. you don't know what's happening. you just know people are looking at you and not throwing sharp things at you, be it stones or words. it feels good for once.





what if they burned that wooden pedestal and ridiculed you for standing on it how would you feel what would you have left what a true Fool you are, the only fool for thinking there was anybody for you to lord over


but Quasimodo saved a girl's life




the tulip bulb caused seven orphans to become billionaires overnight.
it made ordinary men rich. it toppled merchants into debt. it sucked an artist into lifelong debt.



today i


wondered 



and i set up for myself the wooden pedestal, the garland, the scepter and wand, the cloak
it caught on fire, how i know not



since this is only for me is this real
am i burning or not has the fire even started
since this is only for me i have power
over the sequence of events
but they have already happened
maybe if i rewind no demise will happen
far back in the past enough and nothing more will come



i wish to strip him of his clothes and he wishes to strip me of mine

susie is with me but i do not know her i can't get her to leave can't leave her behind


my workers are slowly dying all that may remain is a hive without humming
a throb of dying bodies of thought within me but thought can never die i think too much for that
so what is dying


what was my queen
what have i lost

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